Adventures in Cinema with Ben Piper

I think we narrowed it down pretty well. We looked at the films available to us at the local cinema and the only films that wanked our cranks as it were was Enchanted and Hitman. I know what you are thinking: "Which movie did he choose?!" After a good deal of deliberation we decided that Hitman looked like dog-shit and Enchanted would probably be tolerable.

We go to the theater, purchase our tickets to Enchanted, with smiles on our faces mind you, and take our seats in the theater....

So here is what we knew about the movie:
-Maybe it will be funny
-We might not hate the shit out of it
-We can always leave and skip into a later showing of Hitman if this movie blows goats.

Enchanted begins. Ben and I begin laughing--a lot. The film is cute and funny and is actually holding our attention. But something is missing. Something that we can't exactly put our collective finger on but it is still there right on the verge of making itself a huge problem. Amy Adams, the star of Enchanted is very cute, HOT in fact, and in this film she is on the extreme end of the "pretty" scale. This has an effect on two strapping young lads such as Benjamin C. Piper and myself. It has a somewhat extreme effect that in this case we decide we can ratify if we simply switch cinematic features.


Ben Piper and myself. Debonaire strapping young lads el gigante.


The problem is that after about thirty minutes of cute heartwarming comedy and a hot chick singing and dancing...Ben and I want two things that any man worth his stones can relate to:
-Boobs to visualize
-Violence

So in order to attain these two necessary wonders of our male world we leave Enchanted and take seats in front of a screen featuring the film Hitman. We sit through the whole movie. It BLOWS goats. But as we figured, it delivers two very necessary things to Ben and myself:
-Boobs to visualize (two extended full frontal nude scenes of a Russian chick)
-Violence (guns, knives, and big booms)

There they are: Boobs and Guns


Well, obviously after we satiated our need for the staples of male culture we felt a little clownish for leaving Enchanted--a movie that was pretty good. So we hopped into another theater and caught the movie exactly where we, so very callously, left it 2 hours previous. And the movie did not disappoint. Enchanted was funny, well written, and very well acted most notably by Amy Adams. I can only hope that in the future I can look at her naked...I also hope she wins an Oscar because she really is very talented.


Amy Adams being very cute with Patrick Dempsey in Enchanted.

So what I have to say is this: Enchanted was a great movie. There are no tits or explosions but who needs them anyway? Well I guess I do...but that doesn't mean it makes a good film. I guess in the future, before I go see another heartwarming romp I'll just watch Die Hard beforehand.

Kill 'em All

Yesterday I watched a movie called The Warriors. This is an interesting film that has since its release in 1979 has become an increasing cult favorite. If you are not familiar here is a basic synopsis: A gang known as The Warriors gets framed for the murder of a big time gang lord known as Cyrus in the Bronx. The Warriors are from Coney Island and must get there before the 100 other gangs in New York can find them and "off those suckers." This film is ripe with everything that made 70's B movies the cult favorites of today. It takes the world we think we know and makes it completely ridiculous. And to top it off it is based on a Greek legend.


Well God Damn. Nowadays if a movie is based on a Greek legend it actually is a Greek legend--which is totally bullshit. I don't want to seem one dimensional when I say this but whatever happened to the movies where people would just kill the shit out of each other and ask questions later? Sometimes people deserve to die. There was a time when we could watch this kind of stuff in movies all the time; a time where dudes with bats and matching vests and names like: Swan, Vermin, and Ajax were bad ass.



In 1986 Gary Busey made a little flick called Eye of the Tiger. This movie is total dogshit never see it. However, in said movie The Busey takes a stick of dynamite, dips it in vaseline, and shoves it up a dudes ass who is handcuffed to a hospital bed. Awesome. These types of films aren't dead people. They are just not being watched. Mel Gibson might be a psycho but Apocalypto was way better than Dreamgirls could ever be.

That is all for now. In the meantime check out the movie poster for Eye of the Tiger the only other good thing about this movie.