Fruit and/or Cake? Fig Newton? or Fig Death!

I had heard that the crunch you sometimes hear when you bite into a Fig Newton is a dead insect shell. An insect that crawled inside the fig when it was on the tree and died. That did not sound like good news to me when I heard it from a friend. I eat Fig Newtons all the time. I had to have this cleared up so I decided to ask Nabisco. Below is the letter I wrote to them as well as their timely response. Let me know what you think...should I keep potentially dinning on bugs? Or perhaps it's time to find a new source of fruit and cake in my diet.

Dear People of Nabisco:

I am writing to you because something incredibly shocking recently came to my attention. Let me first say that I love the snack foods you produce. Daily, I probably consume anywhere between 5 and 12 Fig Newtons. I find them especially delicious. The delicate combination of fruit AND cake is really what makes them my "go-to" in the world of pleasant treats. But I was shocked and horrified a fortnight ago when a dear friend of mine told me what I can only hope was a blatant and egregious lie. He casually informed me that since figs grow on trees they are occasionally crawled on by insects. At times certain insects might crawl on or inside a fig and die (gross). He then told me that the occasional crunch I hear when biting into the Fig Newton is the crunch of a dead insect body. I'm sure you can imagine my disgust at hearing this appalling statement. I can only hope that this is a myth. I look to you Nabisco World for guidance. Please tell me this isn't true. Please tell me what makes that crunching sound is not a dead insect. Until I hear further there is no way I can go on eating FigNewtons. The sheer possibility of eating dead bugs is enough to break my happy addiction to this delicious food. Please inform as soon as possible. I have my monthly stock of Newtons at the ready to give to the nearest homeless facility should this turn out to be fact. I look forward to hearing from you Nabisco world.

Many Thanks~~Biff

Mr. Savage,

Thank you for visiting http://www.nabiscoworld.com.

I'm glad to hear your nice comments about our products and company and will share them with our staff. We're proud of our reputation for excellence and work hard to maintain it. We're continually exploring new food developments and are very optimistic about the future of food production. Our pledge is to continue to successfully build on our past achievements far into the future.

The crunch is actually the seeds which naturally occur in the figs used to make Fig Newtons. When prepared into fig paste, the seeds are ground along with the fruit pulp. The granules you describe are actually fig seeds, characteristic of the fig filling used in the product. You can be assured that these fruit seeds are completely wholesome.

It was great hearing from you, and remember we're always updating our site so visit us again soon!

Kim McMiller

Associate Director, Consumer Relations

Sounds like the spinmeisters there at Nabisco have come up with a completely plausible and most likely true response to my query. I on the one hand am completely convinced that I am indeed biting into "fig seed granules." No big deal there right? I suppose it is much better than actually biting into a dead ladybug or something similar. But one thing still plagues me. Why are their SEEDS in my fruit and cake treats? Is it too much to ask that my food gets de-seeded before I have to find a way to digest it? Granted, I've never had any digestion problems with Fig Newtons in the past but I am a man of refined taste and exceptional class. I find it absolutely shocking and revolting that these Nabisco World "people" believe that I should happily pay for and enjoy their product even if it is laced with seed granules. Not to mention the fact that they make the figs into a "paste." That is likely one of the most unfortunate words to use when describing food. In the future I would hope that the Nabisco "people" can treat me with some respect and not just assume that I am a nine year old child that feasts on Elmer's during recess.

Looking back on this whole debacle I am very glad I decided to write this letter. This was an illuminating experience, and rest assured my friends because in the future you will not find me eating those delectable bites of fruit and cake any more. It will be sad for my mouth to see them go because they were so tasty. But I figure why be lazy about this? If I want fruit and cake I'm just going to eat some cake...and fruit. I feel like that is one instance where I am less likely to eat a dead bug, glue, or some kind of granule.

--Savage, Out

Dear Captain Planet,

When I was a kid I really enjoyed your show. I used to watch it all the time knowing that you and the Planeteers were doing good for our Earth. It was the combined efforts of all of you, and Whoopi Goldberg, that helped fight bad guys who liked to loot and plunder the earth. But I now know there was one fatal flaw in your show. One thing wrong with the impact you had on the lives of kids.

Captain Planet: Colossal A-Hole

Captain Planet: I think it is your fault that our world is so polluted and dirty. In many ways it was your job to educate us at a young age so that when we grew old we would be able to incite change in our world and clean it up. But no. Your show pandered to the lowest common denominator and treated us kids as second class citizens. You confused us and left us pondering way too much. You didn't work hard enough to make us doers instead of just watchers. Thinking back to those days I feel like there are moments of that show when you are quite possibly mocking us. I feel like you are laughing in our faces. Cap, how are we supposed to trust your advice if you are dishonest? Who the hell do you think you are trying to convince us that "Heart" has anything to do with saving the world from pollution. Captain, don't piss on my hand and tell me its raining. I know bullshit when I sees it and Ma-Ti was a bullshit character that only made us kids think twice about trusting you.

Above: Ma-Ti aka "Heart"--functionally retarded.

After all, how can we trust you or Whoopi Goldberg since Heart was quite possibly the poorest choice you and Gaia made when assigning magical rings with the powers of the elements! What are we supposed to think Captain? Our supposed hero and savior thinks that love and emotion is actually going to stop oil companies from polluting as much as FIRE! WIND! WATER! or EARTH! Captain, Kwame could fucking move the EARTH! What could Ma-ti do for us? Well, he could wish upon a star and feed his monkey.

Perhaps if you had been smarter (maybe more like Batman) you would have know that in our modern times Heart means nothing. What you should have done is made a powerful lobbyist ring. If Ma-Ti had the powers of an influential Washington DC lobbyist then perhaps the Planeteers could have done more to show us how to save our world--in a practical way. You know-- instead of just showing us how evil drugs can be or how to make an efficient compost heap...or in the case of Ma-Ti-- pet our monkeys while all the cool kids were out flirting with Russian babes and burning shit. But I digress.

Captain Planet, I loved you once. Now as I look at our smog filled planet, our noise polluted streets, and our melting ice-caps I can only think one thing: G.I. Joe totally beat you to the punch. G.I. Joe is the reason we are at war with a non-existent enemy as opposed to pollution and rampant environmental polluters. G.I. Joe kept their show interesting and concise and didn't have any bullshit losers with "heart" powers. It is for that reason that we as a planet love destroying people so much more than destroying pollution.

Above: Captain Planet and his group of douche bags

So thanks a lot Captain Planet. For you, the Planeteers, and I'm sad to say Whoopi Goldberg have ruined the world with your bullshit. Go fuck yourself you high and mighty bastard. If you want us to save the world give us real powers. The next time someone spills a little bit of toxic waste on you and you need my help to clean you off because you are a compulsive neat freak and you can't save the world until you first are clean I am just going to tell you to "use your Heart!" you fucking a-hole because I'll be too busy trying to get Linka and Gi in a threesome.

With Love and Increasing Hatred,
Biff Savage