Dear Captain Planet,

When I was a kid I really enjoyed your show. I used to watch it all the time knowing that you and the Planeteers were doing good for our Earth. It was the combined efforts of all of you, and Whoopi Goldberg, that helped fight bad guys who liked to loot and plunder the earth. But I now know there was one fatal flaw in your show. One thing wrong with the impact you had on the lives of kids.

Captain Planet: Colossal A-Hole

Captain Planet: I think it is your fault that our world is so polluted and dirty. In many ways it was your job to educate us at a young age so that when we grew old we would be able to incite change in our world and clean it up. But no. Your show pandered to the lowest common denominator and treated us kids as second class citizens. You confused us and left us pondering way too much. You didn't work hard enough to make us doers instead of just watchers. Thinking back to those days I feel like there are moments of that show when you are quite possibly mocking us. I feel like you are laughing in our faces. Cap, how are we supposed to trust your advice if you are dishonest? Who the hell do you think you are trying to convince us that "Heart" has anything to do with saving the world from pollution. Captain, don't piss on my hand and tell me its raining. I know bullshit when I sees it and Ma-Ti was a bullshit character that only made us kids think twice about trusting you.

Above: Ma-Ti aka "Heart"--functionally retarded.

After all, how can we trust you or Whoopi Goldberg since Heart was quite possibly the poorest choice you and Gaia made when assigning magical rings with the powers of the elements! What are we supposed to think Captain? Our supposed hero and savior thinks that love and emotion is actually going to stop oil companies from polluting as much as FIRE! WIND! WATER! or EARTH! Captain, Kwame could fucking move the EARTH! What could Ma-ti do for us? Well, he could wish upon a star and feed his monkey.

Perhaps if you had been smarter (maybe more like Batman) you would have know that in our modern times Heart means nothing. What you should have done is made a powerful lobbyist ring. If Ma-Ti had the powers of an influential Washington DC lobbyist then perhaps the Planeteers could have done more to show us how to save our world--in a practical way. You know-- instead of just showing us how evil drugs can be or how to make an efficient compost heap...or in the case of Ma-Ti-- pet our monkeys while all the cool kids were out flirting with Russian babes and burning shit. But I digress.

Captain Planet, I loved you once. Now as I look at our smog filled planet, our noise polluted streets, and our melting ice-caps I can only think one thing: G.I. Joe totally beat you to the punch. G.I. Joe is the reason we are at war with a non-existent enemy as opposed to pollution and rampant environmental polluters. G.I. Joe kept their show interesting and concise and didn't have any bullshit losers with "heart" powers. It is for that reason that we as a planet love destroying people so much more than destroying pollution.

Above: Captain Planet and his group of douche bags

So thanks a lot Captain Planet. For you, the Planeteers, and I'm sad to say Whoopi Goldberg have ruined the world with your bullshit. Go fuck yourself you high and mighty bastard. If you want us to save the world give us real powers. The next time someone spills a little bit of toxic waste on you and you need my help to clean you off because you are a compulsive neat freak and you can't save the world until you first are clean I am just going to tell you to "use your Heart!" you fucking a-hole because I'll be too busy trying to get Linka and Gi in a threesome.

With Love and Increasing Hatred,
Biff Savage