Adventures in Awful Cinema: Season of the Witch

I saw a huge pile of shit this weekend. It was steaming, gooey, and I don't remember a lot about the consistency of the turd but that doesn't mean it won't make a great story. If you'd like to see this pile of shit it's still playing in a few theaters and comes under guise of a film called "Season of the Witch", starring the never to fail at failing Nicholas Cage and sadly the hopefully soon to stop taking such roles Ron Pearlman (Sons of Anarchy, Hellboy).

How does a decision to see a film with a preview like this come about? Pretty easily, when you and your friends are bored and you wanna get drunk see a shitty movie and make fun of it always look for whatever Nic Cage movie is playing and go to the latest showing. And if you think it's wrong of me to assume it would be bad the consider this: the film's director Dominic Sena is also responsible for Swordfish among many many other terrible things.

Cage, Pearlman, and some priest guy
So, suitably stocked with spirits, myself and three compadres Connor, Russell, and Emily sat down right in the middle of the theater and waited for the awfulness to start. We likely would have sat further away from people but the theater was pretty full for a Sunday night. Before I go any further I really hope you are not looking for anything substantial in terms of a review of this film. But if you are someone who thought this movie was going to be good then you probably can't read this anyway and should go get a GED or something.

Speaking of idiots, there were about 15 people in this theater. 15 people. 15 people thought this movie was worth going to at 11pm on a Sunday and trying to enjoy as cinema. My friends and I had a great time; from the beginning we knew it would not disappoint. The film starts with four witches hanging and then getting drowned. But avast! the anonymous Medieval types didn't read some gibberish from some book so that the witches couldn't come back, turn into a bat and consume them all with fire--which I am told is what happened at the end of the movie--lucky for us fortunate viewers right?

The Evil Black Witch
Next, some stuff happens and then... Nicholas Cage's hair is unveiled and the moment is as epic as anything in Ben- Hur. With blond nappy locks flowing and his face appropriately stupid looking he runs through the land killing people with his buddies. There is swordplay and some magic and there is also a bit of talking. They talk in British accents. You heard me right. Someone actually invested in a film where they knew NICHOLAS CAGE would be speaking in a Medieval English accent. At this point the intricate plot unfolds and some crazy awesome leper dude gives Nic Cage a quest which he must complete or super bad things will probably happen. I think it had something to do with transporting some super hot slutty/evil witch lady to some place to kill/impregnate/neuter it/her/whothefuckcares. Then at the end is the bat thing which I mentioned before.


The Leper in Braveheart was way cooler

Needless to say within the first ten minutes of this film--powered by copious amounts of bourbon-- Russell, Connor and I had plenty of fuel for heckling and shouting at the screen. There were many laugh out loud moments and as many times as we for serious totally ROFL and LOL'ing nobody else in the theater was laughing and only one person yelled at us. I think the cocksucker was Dutch? maybe Swedish? ....I dunno something Nordic blue-eyed and Euro man-purse wearing, let's call him Sven. I think he asked me to shut-up which I was obliged to do even if he asked me rudely. I offered Sven some whiskey to get him in the spirit of things and he said something like "No no, I have warm cup of semen and will not drink your whiskey. I, Sven, am here to experience the fine stage acting of Nicholas Cagé and you Americans are spoiling movie film for us all."

I then commenced to ignore this man and continue in stride with my friends to enjoy this crap-fest of a film as we do, with more whiskey. Then Russell decided to go have a conversation with Sven the Euro-purse man after he shouted something at us again. The conversation went something like this:

(dramatization)
Russell: "Hey man, what did you expect from this movie anyway? Do you even like it? How can you like this movie?"
Euro-purse Sven: "Fuck you, I can't hear movie get away stop talk."
Russell: "I just want to talk to you."
Euro-purse Sven: "No, although I normally prefer bears I don't like you go away."

Then I heard a noise and Russell comes tumbling over our seats from the row behind us. Seems like Sven actually pushed Russell and Russell did one of the best falls I've seen since Chevy Chase on SNL, it was seriously brilliant and graceful. Sven seemed angry-- but for some reason he chose to complain and express his anger with 20 minutes left in the film--in fact nobody in the theater said anything until the movie was almost over and we were being assholes the entire time, literally.

Now here is when it gets interesting. When we left the theater there was an angry mob waiting for us in the lobby to complain and yell at us and curse us for ruining what was already going to be a movie they hated. There were theater employees ready to give people refunds because we ruined the movie, refunds they were sure to wish they could have anyway even if we weren't there. These people got a free movie voucher out of it and they're mad at us? Don't worry friends we were sure to point out the irony in this situation. They were the ones who came to see "Season of the Witch" at 11pm and WE are the jerks? Well...we were the jerks but not the idiots! And if you think we hated it because we were drunk I'll have you know that Emily was our control in this "experiment" and she remained sober and subsequently fell asleep an hour into the film hating each waking moment she had to watch the film.

So we stayed in the hallway soaking up all the hatred of the movie goers and laughing pretty heartily about it all as we threw away some empty bottles. There was even a fat kid with a bowl cut yelling at us so angrily that I think he was sweating. His hot lady friend who was obviously pitying him with her friendship had to hold him back and before I could hit on her and get her number the theater employees kicked us out.


Super Awful Wig

As we strolled to the subway in the brisk January air we were able to contemplate what had just happened. We reminisced about the sheer awfulness of the movie and the undeniable joy one gets in making fun of such movies while intoxicated. In the end, despite my heckling and smearing of such noteworthy cinema I truly hope Mr. Cage never stops making movies; I hope that he never turns down a script; and I hope he always finds awful wigs.


I think the one lesson to take away from all this is that sometimes shitty art can actually imitate real life fun. For example, has anyone else ever gone to see a movie about witches and angry villagers only to leave said movie with a gaggle of villagers ready to yell and curse them? Probably not. I just wish that when I got stoned and went to see Avatar there was a super awesome tribe of blue people waiting outside the theater to befriend me and let me bang their hottest warrior chick.