In Defense of Waterworld

I think there is a lot to say about the 1995 Kevin Costner epic Waterworld. Most of the things that come to mind involve equating the typical viewing experience to watching a bloodhound take a shit, it's disgusting, but there's nothing more satisfying than watching it plop down and steam. I have to start off by saying that by no means is this a good film, it is however, a movie I absolutely love watching. Just think about the main aspects of this film. The hero has gills and wears ski boots. The villain inexplicably hates sails and leads a band of nicotine crazed goons called "smokers." And if you wanna get nerdy about it: the human race has managed to live through a major extinction event and long enough for not only sea life to drastically evolve but also for humans to adapt to the new Waterworld. This means that at a minimum this movie has to take place a thousand years after the polar icecaps melted and flooded the world. How can you not love the sheer ballsiness of filmmakers ready to make this movie.

Let's take a step back and look at who was involved in the making of this film. Director Kevin Reynolds has a good history with Kevin Costner, he also directed Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves which was considered by most to be a success if not critically then definitely financially. Although credited as director for Waterworld, Kevin Costner pretty much took over most of the production and had a hand in much of the direction of this film. At first glance that has to be a good thing right? Kevin Costner directed Dances with Wolves and that movie was bad ass. But there is one critical difference between both of those films and that lies in overall execution and script. While Dances with Wolves has an Oscar winning screenplay (Michael Blake, who also wrote the novel) Waterworld has a screenplay that is only really useful as scratchy, ass- bleeding toilet paper. The sad part for Kevin Costner though is that this film is the "jumping the shark" moment of his career-- literally-- there is a moment where he swims around in the water and jumps out into the air with his superhuman fish-man strength. Kevin Costner didn't jump the shark, he was the shark, if you can't find comedy and enjoyment in a movie that ridiculous then I feel bad for you.

But quality is not the actual point here. Of course, a movie should be high quality and a movie should be well made but does a lack of all these things make a film unwatchable? Waterworld's action sequences are still quite brilliant and there are many inherent sight gags re: ski boots, eating dirt, hitting women with oars. And let's not forget the wonderful Dennis Hopper who has a knack for making shit dialogue sound like pure gold. Oh and hey guess what? James Newton Howard did the music and he has eight Oscar nominations on his resume. Waterworld is probably a film that is the closest to being as bad as it is good and that is probably its major flaw. Of all the things about this movie that are great: action, music, sets, plot there are just as many things about it that are awful: writing, acting, directing, gills. This film is a true spectacle comparable to the Spiderman: Turn off the Dark Broadway show, there are big stunts crazy set pieces, loads of hype, but nothing else-- the only difference is that Spiderman will make A LOT of money.

I propose that after all these years we end the hatred of this film. Look at it for what it is: a spectacle and a landmark in the history of film where producers were starting to think that if a movie was big and epic then nothing else mattered. Which if you look at many of the summer films of the last few years is STILL something Hollywood is banking on see: Transformers, Clash of the Titans, and almost anything else that came out in fake "3-D." Waterworld may have lost more money than our government is losing every year paying for wars-- approx 343 bajillion dollars --but that does not mean it's not super fun, super ridiculous and totally worth watching if not just to see cyclops Dennis Hopper yelling at his "smokers" aka aquatic band of Mad Max rejects. If you're still not convinced at least respect Costner for the fact that after all these years he's still battling the smokers-- while filming Waterworld he began investing into research on a device that cleans up oil spills. Sounds like there was something good beyond the horizons of Waterworld.

Adventures in Awful Cinema: Season of the Witch

I saw a huge pile of shit this weekend. It was steaming, gooey, and I don't remember a lot about the consistency of the turd but that doesn't mean it won't make a great story. If you'd like to see this pile of shit it's still playing in a few theaters and comes under guise of a film called "Season of the Witch", starring the never to fail at failing Nicholas Cage and sadly the hopefully soon to stop taking such roles Ron Pearlman (Sons of Anarchy, Hellboy).

How does a decision to see a film with a preview like this come about? Pretty easily, when you and your friends are bored and you wanna get drunk see a shitty movie and make fun of it always look for whatever Nic Cage movie is playing and go to the latest showing. And if you think it's wrong of me to assume it would be bad the consider this: the film's director Dominic Sena is also responsible for Swordfish among many many other terrible things.

Cage, Pearlman, and some priest guy
So, suitably stocked with spirits, myself and three compadres Connor, Russell, and Emily sat down right in the middle of the theater and waited for the awfulness to start. We likely would have sat further away from people but the theater was pretty full for a Sunday night. Before I go any further I really hope you are not looking for anything substantial in terms of a review of this film. But if you are someone who thought this movie was going to be good then you probably can't read this anyway and should go get a GED or something.

Speaking of idiots, there were about 15 people in this theater. 15 people. 15 people thought this movie was worth going to at 11pm on a Sunday and trying to enjoy as cinema. My friends and I had a great time; from the beginning we knew it would not disappoint. The film starts with four witches hanging and then getting drowned. But avast! the anonymous Medieval types didn't read some gibberish from some book so that the witches couldn't come back, turn into a bat and consume them all with fire--which I am told is what happened at the end of the movie--lucky for us fortunate viewers right?

The Evil Black Witch
Next, some stuff happens and then... Nicholas Cage's hair is unveiled and the moment is as epic as anything in Ben- Hur. With blond nappy locks flowing and his face appropriately stupid looking he runs through the land killing people with his buddies. There is swordplay and some magic and there is also a bit of talking. They talk in British accents. You heard me right. Someone actually invested in a film where they knew NICHOLAS CAGE would be speaking in a Medieval English accent. At this point the intricate plot unfolds and some crazy awesome leper dude gives Nic Cage a quest which he must complete or super bad things will probably happen. I think it had something to do with transporting some super hot slutty/evil witch lady to some place to kill/impregnate/neuter it/her/whothefuckcares. Then at the end is the bat thing which I mentioned before.


The Leper in Braveheart was way cooler

Needless to say within the first ten minutes of this film--powered by copious amounts of bourbon-- Russell, Connor and I had plenty of fuel for heckling and shouting at the screen. There were many laugh out loud moments and as many times as we for serious totally ROFL and LOL'ing nobody else in the theater was laughing and only one person yelled at us. I think the cocksucker was Dutch? maybe Swedish? ....I dunno something Nordic blue-eyed and Euro man-purse wearing, let's call him Sven. I think he asked me to shut-up which I was obliged to do even if he asked me rudely. I offered Sven some whiskey to get him in the spirit of things and he said something like "No no, I have warm cup of semen and will not drink your whiskey. I, Sven, am here to experience the fine stage acting of Nicholas Cagé and you Americans are spoiling movie film for us all."

I then commenced to ignore this man and continue in stride with my friends to enjoy this crap-fest of a film as we do, with more whiskey. Then Russell decided to go have a conversation with Sven the Euro-purse man after he shouted something at us again. The conversation went something like this:

(dramatization)
Russell: "Hey man, what did you expect from this movie anyway? Do you even like it? How can you like this movie?"
Euro-purse Sven: "Fuck you, I can't hear movie get away stop talk."
Russell: "I just want to talk to you."
Euro-purse Sven: "No, although I normally prefer bears I don't like you go away."

Then I heard a noise and Russell comes tumbling over our seats from the row behind us. Seems like Sven actually pushed Russell and Russell did one of the best falls I've seen since Chevy Chase on SNL, it was seriously brilliant and graceful. Sven seemed angry-- but for some reason he chose to complain and express his anger with 20 minutes left in the film--in fact nobody in the theater said anything until the movie was almost over and we were being assholes the entire time, literally.

Now here is when it gets interesting. When we left the theater there was an angry mob waiting for us in the lobby to complain and yell at us and curse us for ruining what was already going to be a movie they hated. There were theater employees ready to give people refunds because we ruined the movie, refunds they were sure to wish they could have anyway even if we weren't there. These people got a free movie voucher out of it and they're mad at us? Don't worry friends we were sure to point out the irony in this situation. They were the ones who came to see "Season of the Witch" at 11pm and WE are the jerks? Well...we were the jerks but not the idiots! And if you think we hated it because we were drunk I'll have you know that Emily was our control in this "experiment" and she remained sober and subsequently fell asleep an hour into the film hating each waking moment she had to watch the film.

So we stayed in the hallway soaking up all the hatred of the movie goers and laughing pretty heartily about it all as we threw away some empty bottles. There was even a fat kid with a bowl cut yelling at us so angrily that I think he was sweating. His hot lady friend who was obviously pitying him with her friendship had to hold him back and before I could hit on her and get her number the theater employees kicked us out.


Super Awful Wig

As we strolled to the subway in the brisk January air we were able to contemplate what had just happened. We reminisced about the sheer awfulness of the movie and the undeniable joy one gets in making fun of such movies while intoxicated. In the end, despite my heckling and smearing of such noteworthy cinema I truly hope Mr. Cage never stops making movies; I hope that he never turns down a script; and I hope he always finds awful wigs.


I think the one lesson to take away from all this is that sometimes shitty art can actually imitate real life fun. For example, has anyone else ever gone to see a movie about witches and angry villagers only to leave said movie with a gaggle of villagers ready to yell and curse them? Probably not. I just wish that when I got stoned and went to see Avatar there was a super awesome tribe of blue people waiting outside the theater to befriend me and let me bang their hottest warrior chick.