Million Dollar Swank

NOTE: The following is intended to speak about this film for an audience who may or may not have seen the movie. So, if you are reluctant to read further because you are scared my "review" might ruin the movie, then fear not for I am thinking about you my friends...

There is not a whole for me to say about this movie. But I'll find something to ramble about, don't you worry. I generally don't like talking in great detail about a movie this good with people that may not have seen it. I believe that for one to wholly enjoy a movie it is best to go in with as clean a slate as possible. Which is why I normally avoid reading a film review until I have already seen the movie so as to form an opinion as genuine as possible on the film, allowing me to hate whichever pretentious dick is reviewing it in my school's newspaper. This movie however, is one of those movies that every critic has to like or else they will be run out of town with torches and pitchforks and boards with nails in them. I will try to keep this as general as possible so as to not taint the film for those who like me, stick to the "tabula rasa" mentality of film viewing. In order to do that I think I will just focus on the actors in the movie and not reveal anything specific about the plot except that it is about boxing. Which if you dont know then you're just weird because its on the movie poster and in all the comercials you freak.
Hillary Swank is awesome in this movie and she is going to win the Oscar so is Morgan Freeman. I love Morgan in this movie just as in every film I see him in. He is in another one of the movies that I watched over winter break, The Big Bounce, it is a movie based on another Elmore Leonard novel so it is in the style of Get Shorty and Jackie Brown. That movie sucks ass, its not very good at all and I don't recommend it unless you have a lot of free time and a stomach for bad movies--such as myself. In The Big Bounce Morgan Freeman is shat on with a shitty script and a shitty movie altogether but despite all that he is still awesome. So when you take Morgan Freeman and put him in a movie like Million Dollar Baby it's a knockout combination (get used to the puns people). So if Freeman can be awesome in a shit movie just imagine how great he is in one with a million dollar script. Also what i just said applies to all the lead actors in this movie. They all have a shitty movie that they were awesome in: Clint Eastwood was awesome in the sucktastic Blood Work, and Hillary Swank was the best thing to ever happen to Beverly Hills 90210 not to mention her claim to fame The Next Karate Kid.
So as we can see each of these actors have participated in the creation of at least one shit fest but have all come together to make this movie. But let's talk about Hillary Swank for a moment. I never knew she was this hot. If you know anything about Boy's Don't Cry (don't worry I'm not gonna ruin it) you know that her role doesn't allow her to look as sexy as she can. So when I first saw her in that and previously in 90210 I was not very impressed. However, I can say with confidence that in Million Dollar Baby she is hot^2 (squared). Also, I remember watching The Next Karate Kid and there is one scene where Mr. Myagi walks in on her while she is changing and we get to see her in her bra, and while I thought it was awesome when I was 14, it's not so great anymore. My main reason for bringing that up is that I really hate the fact that they turned The Karate Kid franchise into a stupid movie with situational comedy. Come on let's be honest Pat Morita you're better than that, it's things like the "bra scene" that forced you to make Collision Course with the likes of that chinfucker Jay "Lame-o" Leno. That pissed me off, but luckily Swank's career was able to survive the "bra scene" and she already has one Oscar and will very soon have a much deserved second one. So please people do yourself the favor and check out this film, it is high quality and worth a million bucks at least.

Suckplex

So I watched this movie, Duplex. Featuring the likes of Ben Stiller, Drew Barrymore, and a narration by the beloved Danny DeVito. Now if this was all I had to go on I might just say shoot Drew Barrymore and we might have a pretty good movie but unfortunatley that is not the case. This film is terrible from start to finish. Here is the main idea of it: newleyweds Stiller and Barrymore wanna raise kids so they need a bigger place, they buy the duplex but there is a tenant living upstairs who is an old lady. She is real old and seems about to die so they buy the place and the laughter ensues as the place begins to fall apart as a result of the meddling crazy old woman. Ever seen the Money Pit? The lovable Tom Hanks classic with the (much hotter than Barrymore) lovely Shelly Long? There is no old lady in The Money Pit but you can tell the creators of Duplex saw the movie and decided that they would be creative and copy the basic premise. Danny DeVito directed Duplex and that makes me sad becuase he is usually the man at making dark comedies which is what this film is aiming at. However it falls about 10 miles short of the greatness seen in his other films such as Throw Momma From the Train, Death to Smoochy and Matilda.
One of my main issues with this shitstorm of a film is Ben Stiller, who yet again is playing an almost identical role to every other film he has made. Now don't get me wrong I love Ben, but surrounded by this movie where everything is predictably about to go wrong he is just annoying and stupid. Also, there is an old lady in this movie. The source of all their troubles. Now without revealing too much of the plot (warning I'm about to reveal too much of the plot) which I have no problem doing because this movie is shit anyway I will tell you that this old hag is pissing them off on purpose just to get money from the realtor played by Uncle Frank of Mrs. Doubtfire fame, who is also in cahoots with the police (OK I'm done ruining the ending). Now don't cry, it's not like I'm ruining a good movie, its Duplex if you didn't see this ending coming then you probably have one of two problems. One: you're one of the retards that decided to make this movie. Or two: someone just shot you in the face and shoved cotton balls in your ears and taped your eyes shut.
So anyway back to the old lady. I think Danny DeVito has a thing for old women. Call it a fetish, call it a sexual obsession, call it a semi-decent comic device; whatever it is, it's only funny one time and then never again. After Throw Momma From the Train old women can no longer play that role with the same gusto and pizzaz as that first old lady (I would IMDB her name but that would be cheating my friends). My point being that the one element in this movie in which all the source of conflict and comedy is supposed to originate from is just a copy of an older much better character in a much better film--made by the same director Danny THE Vito. He totally should have vetoed this movie (my apologies). Although I'm sure it was all well and good with the writers because it's not like they needed to think of something original in order to convince Stiller and Barrycunt to make the movie anyway. I'm not sore about it though. As always I enjoyed watching the movie because lets be honest Barrymore is hot and fun to look at and Stiller made me laugh one time. However, if not for Comcast Digital Cable's onDemand feature and I had actually paid for this cockgobbling shit-flick I would have had to get angry and write The Vito a letter.

Exposition

Over this past winter break I did something very fun and exciting. I watched 47 movies in the span of 37 days. Some might say "psh that's nothing i watch movies everyday!" well to those people I say lick my balls. I watched 47 movies that I had never seen before by going to the local cinema and through the greatest modern invention of mankind: Comcast Digital Cable's onDemand feature. With movies at my finger tips I was able to watch as many terrible movies as I wanted with no strain on my wallet.
Therefore I present the following as the entire list of films that I watched over those 37 days that made up my eventful winter break. I will speak at length about some of these movie as well as others that I happen to catch.

-Dec 17 Oceans 12
-Dec 18 Polar Express
-Dec 19 Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events
-Dec 20 Closer and Peter Pan
-Dec 21 Club Dread
-Dec 22 Duplex
-Dec 23 Miracle
-Dec 24 Spanglish
-Dec 25 Last Samurai
-Dec 26 The Life Acquatic with Steve Zissou
-Dec 27 Welcome to Mooseport
-Dec 28 A Very Long Engagement
-Dec 29 Bad Santa
-Dec 30 Blade Trinity
-Dec 31 I missed this day because of New Years festivities.
-Jan 1 Gattaca
-Jan 2 From Russia With Love
-Jan 3 Agent Cody Banks, Man on Fire, and Chasing Liberty
-Jan 4 50 First Dates, and Finding Neverland
-Jan 5 The Hours
-Jan 6 Eurotrip
-Jan 7 White Noise
-Jan 8 Hotel Rwanda
-Jan 9 Out of Time
-Jan 10 Boat Trip
-Jan 11 Better Luck Tomorrow and The Aviator
-Jan 12 In America
-Jan 13 Do the Right Thing
-Jan 14 A Guy Thing
-Jan 15 In Good Company and Leaving Las Vegas
-Jan 16 The Butterfly Effect
-Jan 17 Kramer vs Kramer and Scary Movie 3
-Jan 18 The Core
-Jan 19 Empire of the Sun and In the Cut
-Jan 20 The Big Bounce
-Jan 21 The Hunted
-Jan 22 You Only Live Twice, Gothika, and Cheaper by the Dozen
-Jan 23 Million Dollar Baby

So there they be. Some awesome and some extremely shitty. Over the summer I plan to do it again and it is looking to be just as glorious as the first time.